Fear is a powerful sedative

Being a human is f***ing hard. My 39th birthday is in a few months and it terrifies me. I'm terrified that I am doing a poor job at being the best human I can be. I'm terrified that I've squandered months if not years ruminating on the past and the future. I'm terrified that I'm so behind on the life I could be living if only I'd taken more risks and stopped playing it so safe. Too often, I've 'liked' and 'shared' inspiring posts about living in the present. Heck, I even got BE HERE NOW tattooed on my hand. I want to be that person that lives in the now. I want to be that person that throws themselves into something or someone out of passion without dwelling on all the what if's. It's stressful thinking about all the ways things can go wrong. I play out many scenarios in my head to the point of exhaustion and then have no energy left to actually live in the moment.

There were times during my life where I thought I might have chronic fatigue syndrome or narcolepsy. I'm always tired. I had tests done for sleep apnea because I needed a scientific reason why I never woke up refreshed. But my sleep apnea results back negative. Energy drinks, coffee, tea, caffeine pills, all of them are just a temporary fix, a sort of nitrous blast that fades just as quickly as it was released. In talking to some of my deep thinker friends and/or introverted friends, I've come to accept that my exhaustion is due to my overthinking. Let me try to give an example. Let's say I have an entire day off from work, from errands, from chores, from commitments. I'll spend the night before thinking about all the ways I should make that free day productive. I'll even go as far as to plan what time I'd wake up and schedule my day in blocks. Now the next day arrives and I've slept in too late for my planned waking time. It throws the rest of my day off. So I either fault myself for being lazy or I waste the whole day convincing myself this day can't be good because it's nothing like I planned it to be. To add insult to injury, I'll maximize the less than desirable feelings by eating trash food and binge-watching shows or inane social media videos. Maybe I'll shower before bed. Maybe I won't. Then the following day comes and I replay my wasted day all over again. EXHAUSTING.

I want to settle into the beauty of the present the way I settle into my faults.

I have a rare opportunity to 'live' workfree for a few months. I can remember all the times I've said out loud, "if only I could have more free time." Now I have it. I have a lot of it. And I can't seem to do much with it. Instead, I fall asleep and wake up to this sense of dread about my future.

Who will love me again? And when? What will I do to make money? And where? How do I make the most of my intelligence and experience without ending up at another dead end job out of familiarity and consistency. Where will I live? Where is home for me? 

At the end of the day, even the most well thought out plans are just guidelines. We have no control over the future as much as we might try to anticipate every twist and turn. Why am I so afraid of just doing what makes me happy?

I'm reading a new book called Would you Rather, a memoir about a woman who lived 25 years of her life a virgin and eventually realized she was a lesbian. I'm only a few chapters in, but there's one quote I had to highlight.

"The thing you're afraid of is not the thing itself, but the way you imagine it."

I thought avoiding fears like failure and rejection were protecting me. But avoiding the things I'm most afraid of is limiting me. The fears are only fears because I've attached a storyline to the outcomes and the storyline is always problematic. What would life look like if the storyline was more optimistic? What might my life look like if I took more risks?