Trump's AmeriKKKa

It's been two days since Trump won the election. 

This morning, I felt like boulders were sitting on my chest. I knew I had to convert this static energy, so I took a walk around my neighborhood. I live in what is still considered a 'blue state,' which honestly, I'm not sure that has much significance anymore.

I'm in a weird mental space knowing I look like a white, straight, cisgender male.

The way I look can create this false perception of who and what I identify with. In my apartment elevator, a woman wearing a hijab tucked herself as far into the corner from me as she could, keeping her head down until the door opened. Walking down the street today, I noticed a woman cut through traffic when we are about to walk by one another. I noticed a black man and woman stare at me with anger/hurt in their eyes when they walked past me at the streetlight. Now I know these things might have nothing to do with me. There could be a million other reasons why someone does what they do. But I'm hypersensitive to energies. I know when an energy is directed at me.

I've been seen as an ally to the very people who voted against me, and I've been seen as a threat to the very communities I want to hold so closely. I can say this because I've been in bars or at the gym or at work and cis white men say problematic things to me about women or queer rights or border control or the holocaust and then these very men expect me to agree with them. 

Because I have the privilege of looking the way I do, I've had women tell me they thought I was full of myself because I made jokes about being an alpha male. This was of course before they really knew me and realized I was being sarcastic. I don't subscribe to alpha behavior. I make fun of it. I don't subscribe to gender roles. I make fun of them. 

I'm in a weird space realizing how much shedding I'm doing this year. 15 years ago, my goal was to assimilate. To 'pass.' To be one of the boys. I wanted to be just your average dude. 

Well, I'm not your average dude. I lived 22 years of my life as a woman. I was socialized as a female. I see the world through a myriad of experiences and perspectives.

I've experienced discrimination as both a lesbian woman and a transgender man. I've been fired from jobs. I've been called a dyke. I've been called a fag. My girlfriend's sexual orientations were questioned. I have watched my Papa, when he was still alive, be made fun of for being Mexican by white men who thought his skin color was something to target. I've listened to people whisper and scoff about my mother when she paid with food stamps at the grocery store. I've worked for big box companies as a 'stealth' cis man while my coworkers and peers made disturbing comments about trans customers. I've acted 'tougher,' when I sense I'm around dangerous humans, the type of humans that would hurt or kill someone like me.

For so long, I've silenced the very parts of me that were meant to be celebrated. I'm done with that era.  

I was someone who kept the peace when family members voiced support for harmful policies that directly affect my life. I didn't want to rock the boat because I wanted to hold onto the little but of blood family I had left. I didn't think I could survive losing more people in my life. So, I sat back while they waved their Trump flags. I sat back when they had parties with their conservative, Republican friends while they drank and said horrible things about just about every marginalized community. I didn't speak up when they called black people horrible things. I didn't speak up when they said they accept me because "I'm not like other trans people." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??

It means their acceptance was always contingent on me being a passive participant in my own life. It means knowing my place. It means we accept you in secret. 

We don't celebrate you. We tolerate you. "Because you're family."

I am done shrinking myself for the comfort of others. I am done minimizing my own pain to be accepted. I'm done making excuses for friends, coworkers, and family. I am done with the bullshit.

The very community that I tried to keep at a distance is the very community I want to stand beside more than ever. I am proud to be trans. I am proud of the person I am. 

I am a safe space for women.

I am a safe space for queer people.

I am a safe space for people of color.

I am a safe space for the othered.

I am NOT the white guy that stands on top of others. I am NOT the white guy who finds joy in keeping others down. I am NOT the white guy afraid of the power and beauty and strength of women. 

I AM NOT ONE OF THEM.

My heart dropped when I saw this today. 2 days after the election results. 

 

THIS IS TRUMP'S AMERIKKKA.

America bled red across the country.

 ONE GIANT BLOOD BATH.

I can no longer stay silent.