No Cherished Outcomes

If I could recommend listening to one conversation for the month of October, it would be this: OVERCOMING PURPOSE ANXIETY (click to be taken to the podcast episode)

Now I know October just began but the conversation between Tim Ferris & Elizabeth Gilbert isn't meant for a one time listen. I've listened to it twice already. Once just because and another time so I could take notes. There were so many nuggets of wisdom dropped over the course of an hour, my fingers couldn't write them down quickly enough. My plan is to listen to it another two, three times and just absorb the messages. Sit with my thoughts. See what my thoughts say back. 

First thing that stuck with me was the idea of no cherished outcomes. Elizabeth explained these words came from "The Celtic Poem of Approach." 

“I will honor your gods, I will drink from your well. I bring an undefended heart to our meeting place. I will not negotiate by withholding, I am not subject to disappointment. I have no cherished outcome.”

Wow, just wow. She then goes into the idea of examining one's own resentment when we are feeling misunderstood or slighted. The resentment we feel points to an outcome we hoped to happen but didn't. What a beautiful lens to examine resentment through. What is it I hoped would happen that didn't?

Tim then drops a reference to executive coach, Jerry Colonna. The coach isn't what struck me. His message did. “How are we complicit in creating the conditions we say we don’t want?” Wow.

Other conversation highlights I'll be sitting with for some time:

* Take accountability for your shifting moods but don't beat yourself up for having moods.

* Even a good life is a hard life. 

* It is difficult to have a human incarnation. 

* Religion and/or god should not be used as weapons. 

* Ego says, "Yeah . . . but?"

* I am worthy of love and endearment. 

* Open your heart and ask your higher self/power: What would you have me know today?

* Instead of how do you feel about yourself ask how you feel towards yourself?

* Aspire for a gentle, loving life. We are all on our own paths. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Then Elizabeth goes into her LETTERS FROM LOVE aka two way prayer concept. Her first letter from love to herself took place out of desperation, post divorce. 

 “I’ve got you, I’m with you, I’m not going anywhere. I love you exactly the way you are. You can’t fail at this, you can’t do this wrong. I don’t need anything from you.” This is a huge thing to hear, “I don’t need anything.” Talk about no-cherished outcome, “I don’t need anything from you. You don’t have to improve, you don’t have to do life better, you don’t have to win, you don’t have to get out of this depression, you don’t have to ever uplift your spirits. You could end up living in a box, under a bridge, in a garbage bag spitting at people, and I would love you just as much as I do now. The love that I have for you cannot be lost, because it’s innate, it’s yours, and it is not — I have no requirements for it. If you need to stay up all night crying, I’ll be here with you. If tomorrow you have a garbage day again, because you’ve been up all night crying, I’ll be there for that too. I’ll be here for every minute of it, just ask me to come and I’ll be here with you.”

See more examples here: Letters From Love with Elizabeth Gilbert | Substack

And then this . . . I resonated SO MUCH when she explained this:

I felt her words in my bones when she said it's okay to have radical boundaries because that means prioritizing your own well-being, that means you are someone with tremendous self-value and self-friendliness. I like that. I like knowing that I respect myself too much to allow the noise from others to disrupt my peace. I like knowing that radical boundaries apply to everyone not just strangers or friends, but biological family too. For years, I've tried to explain why I don't talk to so and so or why so and so is no longer in my life. The word I was looking for is dysregulation. There are certain people where I am not skilled enough to hold my serenity when I'm around them. Curating is healthy. 

I could keep going on and on about this podcast but I think I'll let you listen for yourself, if you'd like.

Until next post where I'll probably write about this conversation some more. <3