Sink or swim

I'm not a good swimmer but I'm drawn to natural bodies of water. 

Oceans. Lakes that stretch like oceans. Cascading waterfalls. It's never enough for me to dip my toes into the water. I have to submerge. Crown to feet. I love the inviting embrace of cool water after a sweaty hike or the welcomed sting of frigid water, if only for 10 seconds. 

Before I allow myself to dip into nature's swimming pools, I take inventory. Are there ledges I can grab onto? How deep is the water? What's in the water as far as I can see? Who's nearby? I'm not concerned about having others around s as far as potential rescue missions go. I'm concerned about others being around as far as me needing to undress goes. 

Who is watching? What parts of me are they watching? Can they tell I'm trans? And if so, does that put me in more danger?  

Before getting my chest scars tattooed, I went to the beach with friends for the first time since my top surgery. One of my friends knew my backstory. The other two, didn't. This was another big moment for me, the first time my new chest would feel the ocean.

It was summer in New England. Hot and humid. We played card games on the sand and drank low grade alcoholic iced teas. The vast ocean called for me. I thought about my options. Keep my shirt on and go into the water. Don't go in the water. Take my shirt off and go into the water. Wait to go into the water while my friends all go to the restroom (magically) at the same time. 

I've spent most of my life obsessing over my body. I thought my skinny legs and even skinnier ankles kept me stuck in a feminine bodied world. I hated my soft belly and the way it rested on my waistband. I hated my body pre-transition. I liked it more after transitioning but loving it hasn't come easy.

I've spent so much time worrying about all that is wrong with my body. Too much body in some places. Not enough body in other places. 

I worry that showing up in this body, comes with risks. Risk of humiliation. Risk of ostracization. Risk of judgment. Risk of safety. I've hid my body from the world and from me too. I don't look at it in the mirror. I don't look at it in the shower. I don't look at it when I'm with a lover. I disassociate. 

A shaman once advised me to do an exercise at home where I sit naked in front of a mirror. Starting with my toes, I'm supposed to tell each part of my body, I love you. I honor you. And thank you. I haven't done it. I don't know if I ever will. I want to love all parts of me. I want to free myself from the lie that bodies are only good if they look or work a certain way. I want to believe that my body is good just the way it is. But, I struggle. 

That day on the beach with my friends, I took my shirt off. I ran into the ocean with my cisgender male friend and we let the waves crash over us. My connection with him didn't feel any differently afterward. I was so worked up in my head, I believed I'd get a text from him later saying, Dude what's up with your chest? But that text never came.

Some 10 years later, his wife (a medical professional) and one of the friends who didn't know my backstory yet, told me she noticed my scars. She wondered about them. She had some questions, but she didn't want to make me uncomfortable. For 10 years, I thought I'd escaped my otherness being noticed at the beach. I hadn't. But the difference was, I wasn't judged. I was noticed. 

My friend telling me she noticed me, made me reflect on how much of me I've kept from being noticed. Aren't we all looking to be seen for who we are? Aren't we all hoping to someday show up as we are, with no excuses, no explanations? 

I'm learning that when I stifle parts of me, I’m silencing all of me. 

It's easy to cast away the parts of us that are somehow less desirable. The inner work starts with acceptance. Doesn't mean we have to like what we are accepting, just that we are making peace with what we'd rather forget. 

The bravest thing we might do on this human journey is to show up as we are. The next bravest thing we might do is to radically love our otherness. 

And maybe in loving the otherness in ourselves, we can learn to love the otherness in others. 

<3